Hangover Helpers

To cure is to relieve a person or animal of the symptoms of a disease or condition. The condition we are addressing today is self-inflicted and almost always seems like a good idea at the time. The fallout, however, is never quite as sweet.

There is no surefire, scientifically proven cure for a hangover. We know why they occur (it’s quite gnarly so I won’t go into too much detail here but let’s just say it involves acetaldehyde and formaldehyde. Yep.) but there are no absolute, surefire cures.

While there are no true cures, there are many hangover helpers. Everyone has their go-to, their back up, their rock. So, in an effort to deepen mankind’s research into the foggy world of hangovers, I asked the Mob office what they crave when they’re feeling a bit shady. Here are the results, and I’ve even written recipes for them all. How bloody kind of me.

"The Greggs sausage, bean, and cheese melt is my ultimate hangover cure for two very simple reasons: it’s got the flavours of a full English I crave without the commitment of a full plate, and it forces me to walk outside for about 15 minutes for some fresh-ish air. Greggs, for me, is the reliable cousin of McDonalds. There’s no noise, no fuss, and they won’t judge you if you get enough beige pastries to stock a bunker. You can chomp it on the way home and feel slightly less bad about last night's choices with every lovely beany cheesy bite – what’s not to like?" – Jess

Well, Jess, picture the scene: you’re so hungover you just about manage the crawl to the freezer. Luckily for today-you, yesterday-you was busy making DIY melts and freezing them as a gift for you to now wang into the oven. Fuss-free.

"When I'm hungover, I know the only way I'm going to survive through the day is if I take down something SALTY. Enter, Chicken Noodle Soup. It might be one made using leftovers I've frozen for just this situation or it might simply be a case of reaching for a sachet of Knorr's Super Chicken Noodle Soup (don't come for me), which I always stock up on in case of emergencies. Being severely hungover counts as an emergency, in my book. I'm a sucker for a simple packet soup and I love nothing more than slurping up those teeny-tiny noodly pasta pieces and chunks of chicken. Which brings me onto the most important part… the ratio. The soup, noodle and chicken ratio has been to be right on the money for it to hit the spot for me. And by that, I mean I need oodles of noodles, plenty of chicken but also enough soup for me to guzzle down, and feel like I’m eliminating the copious amounts of booze I’ve consumed the night before." – Maz

If we were all sensible when hungover, we’d be devouring steaming bowls of chicken soup next to Maz. The healing power of soup is otherworldly. Here’s how to make a really tasty chicken one. This is a great starting point, and you can chuck in whatever you like, really – ginger, soy, mustard, hot sauce, dumplings. Go wild.

"Hash browns are my favourite hangover food because they’re the two things you need when you’re dehydrated and struggling after a big night out: Crispy and salty (but you must always add some extra salt immediately after you take them out of the oven for added saltiness). I always keep them in the freezer for emergencies. Drink a big pint of water before and after you and you’ll be out of that hangover in no time. Serve with a holy trinity of condiments: ketchup, mayo, and Encona hot sauce." – Rosa

Making hash browns hungover might seem like a big fuss, so instead of making 12 little fiddly hashy b’s, just make one massive crispy fella. Dead easy.

"A feature on hangover food is startlingly incomplete without a recipe revolving around eggs. An egg is a symbol of new life, of opportunity, of rebirth. If you wake up with an 8/10 or over, you might be searching for a slice of the aforementioned. And I can guarantee you’ll emerge from the other side of this sandwich feeling like a freshly hatched chick with a whole life ahead of you. I still can’t believe no one asked me for an egg sandwich, so here’s mine. It will take you under 10 minutes to make and under 3 to eat. I’d probably make two, if I were you." – Ben (aka me)

"Nothing soothes and shushes the pangs of a hangover like a good Blood Mary. The first sip is the liquid equivalent of a cool flannel draped onto your head – a gentle “there, there” pat that rests itself on the wrinkles of your brain and that lets you know everything is going to be all right, mate. Anyone who tells you otherwise simply isn’t ready to face the fact that the hair of the dog is a scientifically proven solution to a hangover. I think. A slug of vodka before midday will capably sand down the edges of the angriest headache while a sophisticated dash of tomato juice will make it seem socially acceptable and stop anyone from accusing you of having a drinking problem. Go heavy on the horseradish." – Lucas

Sorry, Lucas – to take a dose of the hair of the dog that bit you is not a sure thing, but it is a fun one. Annoyingly for you, a really good Bloody Mary is whatever you want it to be. They’re an intensely personal drink. A surefire way to nail making a bloody mary is to taste as you go at every turn and to wing in as much spice, salt and ice cold vodka as you dare. Here is a very good starting point. I do encourage you to push the boundaries of your own Bloody Mary, anything goes. My ultimate trick… Sriracha ice cubes.

Yes, you could go down to your favourite fast food chain, and get a banana milkshake, BUT you could make your own, and I promise you, it’ll be so much better.

So, here’s the thing. Making your packet ramen spectacular is a pretty personal thing, and mine changes up depending on my mood, how much time I have, and – really – how much effort I want to put in. This one is my go-to on a hangover. It’s low maintenance and packed with salt and spice which are my two biggest cravings after a big night out. I even top it with an egg (because nutrients) when I’m feeling particularly sorry for myself.

These don’t really need a recipes, it’s a kinda do-as-you-like dish. When I’m making them, I toss 1kg of sweet potatoes fries with smoked paprika and cook 'em according to the packet instructions. Cover in handfuls of strong cheddar cheese and bake for a few extra minutes until melted, then remove from the oven and scatter in coriander, sliced jalapeños, cubes of avocado, and pickled red onion. I finish it all off with a big glug of Sriracha, which I can’t recommend enough.